so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
