Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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