so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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