I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
