And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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