if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
