believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
