Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
