Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
