God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
