The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
