Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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