It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
