All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
