The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
