I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
