He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Actions speak louder than pants.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
