I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
