I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
