I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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