I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
