Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
where are my eyebrows?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
