I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
