do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
