walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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