found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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