woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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