If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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