your room smells of hookers.
And success
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
