I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
