I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
