Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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