There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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