Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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