Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
