The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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