i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Randomize
