apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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