It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
