I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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