I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
