You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Semen is not good for contacts.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
