I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
