I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
