I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
