I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She's the barista slut.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
