you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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