Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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