Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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