Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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