Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
