I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Randomize
