I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
