I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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