so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
