Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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