That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
