Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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